I wish I could teleport
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
