Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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