you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
