come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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