Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
