That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
