is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
