everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
