I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
