There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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