sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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