Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
