just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
