I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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