I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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