so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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