Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
