my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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