a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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