I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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