The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
