i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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