my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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