Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
