Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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