no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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