i think my tv is drunk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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