she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
