I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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