Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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