Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
