Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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