Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
