it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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