Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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