im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
