matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize