DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
