You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
