i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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