worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
