I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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