Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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