it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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