Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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