mondays should just be called national damage control day
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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