Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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