she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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