Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
