Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize