I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
