i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
