It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
