I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
