new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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