Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
