I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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