Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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