His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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