So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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